this last week I've been rather anxious and puzzled. I seemed to have lost a friend somewhere this year but actually realized it a few days ago. I've reached out to her every way I can and nothing. total silence. I've sent emails and bday cards which have received no answers. recently I found out that her phone numbers have all changed and I don't have the new ones since I was never given them. I know she's alive because I've received an amazon gift wish list email for her son and another recent email with pictures of her and her son. I replied and asked what the heck happened and still no answer.
I've lost many friends throughout the years. some good, most bad but none without a warning or some sort of hint. seriously... how does one walk away without a word?
my friend lives in another state. maybe she's upset that I didn't send her son a bday gift form the wish list. maybe she's upset because it's hard to sit down for a phone call when everyday responsibilities constantly tug at you. maybe something happened and she's just forgotten me. forgotten all the good times we shared. forgotten the laughs we shared. forgotten the tears, the friendship, the devotion, love, music, life, our world, our 4 hour lunches at Chin Chin's and dessert.
I've known her since I was 16 years old. she taught me how to drink alcohol, flirt with men, the difference between a boy and a man. she taught me how to care for someone you love or really, really like a lot. she taught me the difference between a good rock band and a bad one. she taught me bad words in Spanish. she taught me how to be assertive and at the same time smile and appear shy. most importantly... she taught me the difference between strength and vulnerability.
I don't have many friends. it's very difficult for me to form new relationships and even keep the ones I currently have. I'm ashamed to say... even with family. I don't know why that is. I might be finicky or overly cautious. I'm too damn sensitive that's for sure and it takes time to get my guard down and trust. But I am a friend for life through good and bad. I give of myself fully with love, patience and the wisdom my heart has experienced. although I'm tired of all the bullshit in general that surrounds my life.. I am mourning this loss, this friend I've had for so long... this lost friend of mine.